Fear vs love
Wednesday, Oct. 18, 2006
10:52 p.m.

Let me back blog a little. I want to show you guys this letter my dear friend, Eto had written to me a few weeks back.

It appears to me that the moment I got out of my turtle shell, I've been flooded with love. DW, thanks for your care and encouragement. Eto, u are a great friend. Ah Wei,my dearest, thank you for everything. Serious.

Had supper with mom and she told me that no matter what happen to Ah Wei and I, I have to be strong. She don't want to see me being that way again. I nodded my head but I can't make any promises right at this moment. I just want to get over the past. I've really been thru a lot. I'll be lying if I say I'm not afraid to love, to trust again.

The fear is real.

December....December...that's the time I'm giving myself.

His birthday
Tuesday, Oct. 17, 2006
8:54 a.m.

That look of bliss I see on his face is enough for me. I've never seen him happier and my joy comes from being able to make him this happy.

Thank you my der.

���ұ���
Monday, Oct. 16, 2006
9:38 a.m.

Darling played and sung this song for me last night.Though his guitar skills kinda rusty, I still find it endearing. Shall blog more later. Happy birthday der!

loving me and you
Sunday, Oct. 15, 2006
10:45 a.m.

Yesterday, my cousin and I were given a few minutes to draw our thoughts and feelings into a piece of paper and this is what I had produced.

Breezy cool air with lots of sky in it. More of the skies and less of the meadow.

I guess I�m slowly healing, going back to my original self, the free, passionate, impulsive child. Usually people need a break after a failed relationship but for me, a new one seems to set me back on track faster. Whenever I�m on the verge of the past, Ah Wei will shoo it away and change to another topic. We�ve been having lots of laughter these days, with our exchanges in wacky online video clips. I�m also quite excited about being formally introduced to his family this coming Friday. Having a relationship with an old friend does have its benefits. Him letting down his walls helps me to know him better, giving me more surprises. He, being agreeable to meet up with my friends gives him a higher score on my scoreboard because out of all the boyfriends I have, he�s the most agreeable. I�m agreeable to meet his friends because I�ve met some of his friends before. No big deal.

Called Howie and he was overcome with joy at my call. He was lamenting to Joy that is this end of our friendship? He always thought that God gave us this friendship and he can see us growing old together. Even after so much time away from each other, we still could catch up easily on each other�s lives. Everyone is so glad that I�m appearing back on scene and I can see they really want me to be in their lives, to share joys as well as sorrows. They didn�t like it when I disappeared to sort out my own problems but I guess it�s just me, I don�t want to trouble anyone.

Several people told me that if I die, they will cry. Ah Wei was the 1st one to tell me directly. Next, my NIE good friend, Eto. I know Howie will be very sad too because I�m so touched at the brightness of his voice when he realised it was me on the other line. I am being loved and I want to love them back. I want to get well on my feet and love them back.

Thanks for loving me.

An injured bird
Friday, Oct. 13, 2006
9:15 a.m.

Suppose that you find an injured bird on a field, what would you do? Would you use a heavy rock to crush it to end its misery or take it back home and try to nurse it back to health? I remembered this scene from One Tree Hill Season 3, that Keith, the elder brother told Dan, his younger brother to find a box to put the bird in but Dan returned with a heavy rock and crushed it to death. Shocked, Keith asked him why he did that and Dan answered, �It couldn�t fly anymore.�

I am the injured bird and Ah Wei picked me up, trying to nurse me back to health. His basic instinct is just to protect me. For the 2nd night in a row, I slept soundly. Last night, I could feel a little of my original self crept back to life when I made Ah Wei laughed. I wanted the moment to last forever when he whispered in my ear, saying that he wished we could stay like this forever. I really don�t know how our futures going to be like. I seriously couldn�t think that far and am afraid to do so. All I know is that I want to seek a warm shelter and burrow in its warmth. After all, I am an injured bird with serious injuries. I can be crushed anytime.

I don�t want to be alone.

Not alone anymore
Thursday, Oct. 12, 2006
8:30 a.m.

I decided to delete some entries abt Ro and start life anew. I left some to remind me abt what I've seen and learnt from the past. I couldn�t do this alone but Ah Wei gave me the courage and confidence to do that. He told me that no matter what I�ve done in the past, or what has happened to me, doesn�t affect how he sees me. Somehow, I�m very touched by what he had said last night and I accepted him into my life. Memories of the days we spent together loitering around the club house during our poly days resurfaced. I�ve always felt comfortable with him and I remembered us saying that should we both remain single in the latter part in our lives; we can get married and stay together.

After getting my heart broken a few times, I no longer believe in that fiery kind of love. It always leads to a fiery end too. My air force ex-bf chose to give me up because he had to be overseas for more than a yr and he can�t trust that I�ll stay for him. He just disappeared out of my life after that. Ro dumped me for his knees problems, and later on it went on to him having unresolved issues in his life. Both guys promised me marriage but backed off when circumstances changed. Among all my boyfriends, Ro treated me the worst because he never let anyone know about my existence, tucking me away as a secret lover. I gave him many chances but he let it slipped by him. In fact, a few days before I accepted Ah Wei, I sms him that I might have someone in my life soon and if I hear no word from him, it means he has given me his blessings.

I�m glad Ah Wei is around, helping me to pick up the pieces of my life. It�s a lonely job doing it alone. Now he has a stable job, he�s looking forward to see how far we can take this relationship along with us.

I don�t want to be alone again.

going backwards again
Wednesday, Oct. 11, 2006
10:24 a.m.

I just came back from school, from drilling from the principal, filling up No Pay Leave Form..etc..etc�and all the while a growing sense of dread and shame as I stayed on in the school. Came home crying, shivering. Totally freaked out. I�m 2 steps forward, 7 steps back. I can�t face anyone again.

I can't do it. Face life bravely. I can't

Moments
Tuesday, Oct. 10, 2006
12:28 p.m.

There are moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroad. Afraid. Confused. Without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days.

Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better. Something beyond the pain of going it alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in.

Or to give someone a second chance.

Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.

Because only when you are tested do you truly discover who you truly are.

And it�s only when you are tested do you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief and beyond heartache and fear of what rise ahead.

I'm special
Sunday, Oct. 08, 2006
10:43 a.m.

Abt 5-6 yrs ago, I took up scuba diving with the intention of using it to fake an accident with my death. I remembered I was underneath the water and I stared upward. The sunlight filtered thru the waters and seemed to illuminate me. At that time God spoke to me, telling me to come back to Him and He will show me many beautiful things that I�ve not seen. I listened to that voice and abandoned my suicidal plans. God gave me many opportunities to see many beautiful things, on land and in the sea. Yet I did not understand His message till last night when I realised that the only reason why He would show me such beauty is because I�m special. I used to think that my only source of love was Ro but man will fail eventually but God will not. Even if nobody in the world loves me, I know God loves me. Somehow this simple knowledge gladdens my heart and gave me strength to carry on.

As Jeremin pointed out, I�m quite a lucky girl. How many people would have God speak in such a beautiful and unique way � underwater? Because He knows that I am a fun-loving, adventurous girl so I need to be spoken to in such a unique manner. I suppose I might meet my next man in a unique manner too, given my adventurous nature. Or I might end up with Ro. Somehow I have doubts abt the latter because I felt that my role in his life is over. I�m not a passer-by and I did play a significant role. But it�s over now. The man I met one yr ago didn�t die. It is still a part of him. But what I see from him now is the real him and I cannot accept that. If I can accept that, his end will be my end too, because I�m tied to him. However, I�ve a choice. So I choose to accept that he�s not the one for me.

I couldn�t love that real him.

I�m still reducing the dosage of my anti-depressants as I want my body to adjust. Contrary to what the shrinks felt, I do not think that long term medication will help me. If I am out of depression, why do I still continue to take it? Like what Marcus Tan had said, I am a kind and sensible girl. I know what the right things to do are; it�s just that I often allow others to influence my decisions. Though I�m given 3 wks of MC, that doesn�t mean I�m seriously unstable. Marcus is more concerned abt my condition than the length of my MC. I choose to come back to work near the end of the month because my colleague advised me it�s best to return at the time where it�s least stressful. Coming back now is definitely not advisable.

When I�m back to school, it�s to tie up the loose ends. There are some people I need to say goodbye to. I would like to continue to keep in touch with some students I�ve taught 3 yrs ago. Friendship doesn�t have to end the moment I resign. Though I cannot be in the same hall as them when they receive their PSLE results next yr, I can still share their joys and sorrows through other ways. My heart still lies in teaching so a tutor I will be. Not just any tutor but a friend of theirs as well, guiding when I see a shattered lost soul. Like what I did with that P6 girl who is now in Sec 2. We studied, we exchanged insults and we played.

The quality of life is determined by me. Simple joys are all I need. I don�t need to own a car, go for a holiday once or twice a yr or indulge in expensive hobbies. Dun need all these any mre, juz a quiet life will do.

stop lying
Tuesday, Oct. 03, 2006
11:52 a.m.

I decided to stop lying and tell my parents the truth that this week I�m still on MC. I�m tired of being alone in the stadium early in the morning. It makes me feel so tired in the afternoon. I don�t want my dad to think I�m a lazy bum but if he has to think this way, I can�t help it. If my parents don�t understand, I have to bear the blunt of it. I don�t want to pretend going for work every morning. I shouldn�t be doing this, as though this is something to be ashamed of.

Oh, maybe having a daughter with depression shows that I�m the weakest link, that�s why I feel the shame. That�s why I lied. I�ve to stop lying. They just have to accept I�m that weak.