Little bits of life
Little bits of life
Little bits of life
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I dreamt that my mother went after me, wanting me to come home but she did it only because of dad�s wishes. I woke up with the same ache in my heart, wishing I could die. Then, I felt the ring on my hand & it reminded me of Wei. To others, it is silly of me to base my life on a man. To Christians, they�ll probably frown on the fact that the love of God isn�t enough to sustain me. Well, you haven�t been through hurts that�ll bad enough to leave scars in your soul. I still cry when no one�s around me. Maybe that�s the reason why Wei always try to spend time with me. Me: If I set my goal for 2007 is to be stronger, I�ll fail. I want to be stronger but it�s not up to me. I can�t say I want to be stronger & suddenly I am. It�s not a matter of working hard & you�ll get it. It doesn�t happen this way, at least not for this. Wei: You can�t be strong this year. You can�t be strong next year but one day, you�ll be strong. I was surprised to hear that a good friend of mine in the workplace did a �ninja� resignation. I thought I was the only one to do so but apparently, Chu liked the idea of leaving silently as well. I do not know the reasons behind her resignation though she knows of mine. I remember the days sitting in her car as she kindly drove me home. She is one of the kindest colleagues in the workplace. If she, the rock, has chosen to give up school teaching�well�draw your own conclusion. My buddy, Nes, must be feeling pretty demoralised by the news of Chu�s resignation. 2 of her good friends have left & she still has 6 mths of bond to go. She has been asking her fianc�e if she could break the bond but her guy felt that though they have the money, it�s not worth giving it to the govt. he has a point but then again, I�m not sure if HE can survive 6 mths of Nes throwing tempers at him. It�s really not easy teaching in schools anymore. I�m glad Wei�s fever has broken. The doctor said he has all the symptoms of dengue & that got me a little worried. I�ll still check on him now & then to make sure it�s not coming back.
How was my X'mas celebrations? I'll let the pictures speak for itself 1st.   I was very touched when he explained the significance of the rings. I did not control the falling of my tears as for the 1st time of my life, these are tears of happiness. Then, he asked me to dance with him. The next day, I hanged out with his family. His brother-in-law teased us about our rings & that we secretly got ourselves engaged. Embarrassed, I poked at Wei�s arm. Wei smiled.
A certain thought must have crossed the minds of certain people as they followed my story. That I could be with another guy after all that declarations of my undying love for Ro? Do I really love Wei? Looking back on what I said in the past, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. I loved Ro but one can only hold on for so long. When you�re the only one fighting & the other person is doing nothing. You can only hold on so long. Eventually I�ve to let go. Let go of the guy who loves to rip the rug out from under me just when I feel like I�m given some sort of stable ground. Let go and give my heart what it deserves.
Beneath all that bravado lies a boy who realised his wrongs & trembled at its full realisation of the possible cost. That chastened look of Wei�s was pretty adorable. Sigh. How could I not forgive him? Yesterday afternoon, I folded the denim jacket that Ro gave me & put it together with the unwanted clothes. I wish not to be reminded of empty promises & sweet nothings. The pain & the shame. My wings are still weak, the bones are brittle. If there�s a must, I�ll try to fly. I just don�t know if I�ll crash.
This conversation took place after I had finished reading Rainia�s blog. Me: Damn it! I hate it when the guys say �You deserve better� when they wanna end a relationship. Excuses. Men! [Wei looked at me & put his hand on my shoulder] Him: Ally. I wanna tell you something. Me: What? Him: I deserve better. Me: %#%@%@#^
Not really. True to his words, Wei really took out his guitar to learn this song!   Thank you darling. (0) Comments so far
Just came back from a short holiday, with both of us as red as lobsters due to us being overexposed to the sun's rays. It was pretty fun playing water polo with Wei, him entertaining me with his basketball antics and big actions. We only managed to take photos on the last day so there's not much.    Next event to plan for is the coming X'mas. I've bought a bottle of champagne & am wondering what I can do with it. Any suggestions? (0) Comments so far
Woke up in the middle of the night & couldn�t fall back to sleep because my thoughts turned to home and believe me, those were not sweet thoughts. I intend to go back home to pick a few things up for travelling but I dread bumping into my mom. Thoughts of my mom are always bitter these days. I remember telling Howie that I worry abt being involved with the dancing world because of its well known complications. Yet I couldn�t say no to my mom because I�ve been rejecting her request for years. One thing leads to another & here I am, scarred by the people who used me. I used to fear little & embraced the world with open arms but now I fear much & shun the world. I�ve learnt to hate. Of course, I�m not alone. Everyone has their problems. We aren�t saints. By rights we are encouraged to forgive because its good for our health but by left, how many of us can do that? We do own the right not to forgive. And for some people, hatred is what pulls them thru in life because of that anger, that fire that course thru your veins. I�m not fanning that fire because I don�t want it to consume me & burnt those around me. The innocents should not be involved just because my innocence & trust was tainted & broken. I was telling Wei last night that I want to try and go off the medications but apparently, I can�t. I twitched twice last night. Maybe I got to consider the possibility that I�ve to stay on medication for long term, perhaps even forever. Maybe accepting this possibility of me will help me to stop wasting my energy in trying to fight something that�s obviously bigger than I am & make me focus on plans for the future. I�ve given myself till the end of Dec to escape reality & enjoy the present. I�ll plan when the time comes.
 Sigh. This is the typical response I get from guys in regards to my mother. I do feel sorry for her but I�ve to admit that I don�t enjoy being at home. A few days ago I went back home to pick my passport up & the first thing I heard was mom quarrelling on the phone with someone. I want peace and quiet in the family & I don�t see it happening. It really turns me off. I�ve stayed in Joshua�s house & now Wei�s house but I don�t see their moms behave like my mom. She�s so aggressive. I wouldn�t say I�m well enough to handle her because right now, I really want to enjoy peace and quiet in a room. I�m happy to stay indoors, playing games, reading books..etc..so happy being left alone. Of course, I can�t say all these to Wei because he will threaten to disappear & right now, I still can�t handle such jesting. My thoughts are so strong that I dream according to it. In fact last night, I had a nightmare about my family. I was so scared of losing my father that I was crying. My brother was indifferent while my mother, as usual, emotional and not of much use. I still feel weak emotionally. I want to be as strong as before but I don�t seem able to gather up the strength. I�m Rapunzel living in the lonely tower. The light only grows brighter when my prince is up in the tower with me. We�re still in the midst of thinking of ways to get me down.
Wei�s been busy at work lately so I�ve to help him shop for his swimming trunks, beach bermudas and make arrangements for our romantic getaway.   I can hardly wait to dive into that giant pool...imagine...swimming up to this sunken pool bar for refreshing beverage ...not to mention indulging in spa treatments & massage. Of course, spending uninterrupted quality time with my dear is something to look forward to. Absence do make the heart grow fonder. (0) Comments so far |
