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Re-think. Re-adjust
Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2007
1:37 P.M.

Marriage is every girl�s dream but probably not every guy�s. Or maybe, we�re both not ready. At least for me, I don�t think I�m ready to sign up for the church pre-marriage course even though I�ve enquired about it. Even though everyone around me was informed by the then, happy me, that we�re gonna be married next Oct. However, I�m having 2nd thoughts about it. Sure, Wei is the guy I want to marry but I don�t think we�re ready. Not when I feel like I�m orchestrating the whole marriage preparation thingy, not when he�s financially unprepared for the whole thing, not when I�m feeling this way.

The viet trip will probably a good holiday for me, for me to be on my own, perhaps, to rethink about our relationship & adjust my thinking.

Marriage.

Sorry but I think I gotta let my anxious mom wait..

A start at least
Saturday, Oct. 27, 2007
9:46 P.M.

�Sixteen months ago, I lost what was most precious to me and found my world in ruins; nevertheless, I am not reckless. True, I have less to live for than I once did but my life still has purpose, and I struggle to find meaning in the days�

Somehow this passage in a novel I read today touch something in me. And the kid I tutored today was such a sunshine girl that she totally blasted my woes away. I guess life is a constant struggle. People said they give their lives to God to use. Me? I�m not a saint so I don�t paint a pretty picture of myself as a Christian. I�m just a mere mortal who has her life torn down sixteen months ago & struggling to find meaning in the days.

I�ll like to be that sunshine girl that brightened my day today. I might not be as successful as her but at least it�s a start.

Wei, u might not like what I wrote in the previous entry but understand that I need an outlet. No, I won't delete that entry because if you don't like the image I painted of you, do something.

I do love you.

Peace & Heaven.
Saturday, Oct. 27, 2007
12:34 P.M.

Recent frustrations with Wei is that his head always appear detached from his body. Meaning? Head in the clouds while body is on earth. Should I be more patient with him & let God take care of this farmer boy who has a heart of a boy? Maybe I should be more patient but I find my patience growing thinner with each passing day & my dark clouds growing.

I do not harbour thoughts of leaving him but depressed over how helpless I am. To lend him aid seems to indulge him. Giving him a smile these days is harder. He said, "Have faith in God, I've applied for jobs & prayed." So meantime? WAIT.

Yes, wait. Wait for mommy to feed him. Wait for me to feed him. Wait for relatives to offer jobs. Wait for past to repeat itself where friend hire him for job promising good prospects & then kick him out when he's redundent. Wait for bills to pile up. Wait for Lotto, 4-D to strike. While waiting for God, wait for for savings to be no more. While waiting, GO PLAY!

PLAY!

I've no energy for another relationship for the previous one left me pretty dead.

I went back to sleeping pills 2 days ago. I think I need to order a dozen of those pills. Wei isn't the only one with head in the clouds. With those pills, I'm in peace & heaven.

short end of the rope
Thursday, Oct. 25, 2007
1:55 A.M.

After a year, I still do not know how to live. Often, I still ask God to let me die. So what I�ve Wei by my side? I still do not know how to live. So what I know God? I still do not know how to live. I only know 101 ways to die. So what I�m going on a holiday next month? Will there be a change in me when I return? I wish I can hide in a place where no one can find me. Just stay there & rot.

Maybe I should just buy one way ticket to the Alps Mountain, trek up the hills & freeze there.

I don�t believe in anybody, anyone. I believe what I�ve experienced. That promises made are to be broken. Don�t put so much trust in people. Everyone for themselves.

Why do I still breathe?

Why am I still here?

Why don�t I finished up what I started last year?

The Past haunts.

I
Saturday, Oct. 13, 2007
1:11 A.M.

I wish - I can be the last to wake up from my dreams but often, I'm the 1st to wake up.

I fear - many things, include having the past repeating itself.

I hope - for nothing. Because I cannot see where I'm heading.

I run - for a short break. A respite. To gather courage & energy for me to carry on an aimless escapist way of life.